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JORDAN EXPLAINS MARVEL SUPER-HEROES SECRET WARS TO NATE
2008-04-15 16:25:57
Marvel Assistant Art Director Rich Ginter got married last weekend!
That lucky man tripped up and got himself a lovely wife, Kristen. Congrats.
Very much enjoyed the ceremony, the ride to the reception (with Rich’s parents!!!!) and the Yankees-themed reception itself (I kid you not…). But…if I had only one criticism…perhaps Mister Timberlake’s Sexyback was not the ideal choice for theme music when the couple was first announced as man and wife.
Otherwise, good stuff. Good cake. There was a chocolate fountain.
Onto business!!!
COMICS.
They used to be about a lot of different things (war, romance, crime, ducks). Now the only ones that sell in bulk have whiny guys in tights whining about their whininess.
FOOTBALL.
It’s the best thing in the world. College is football in its purest form, but the NFL will do in a pinch. And it’s almost always better than reading comics.
ONE man (Jordan) tries to get ANOTHER man (Nate) to read a comic instead of watching football.
LET IT BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!
NATE: Jordy, it’s been a while since I’ve read a comic. Anything to recommend?
JORDAN: Sure, always. I don’t think I’ve recommended one of my all-time favorites yet: the original Chris Claremont & Alan Davis EXCALIBUR, available in TPB format as EXCALIBUR CLASSIC.
NATE: I was just testing to see if you picked something Claremont, you dirty Claremont lover you. No, today we’ll be doing SECRET WARS!!!!!!!
Now, I borrowed my next-door-neighbor’s copies of SECRET WARS 17-or-so years ago. What I remember:
-Cap’s shield cracked.
-Doc Ock screamed something in French while slamming She-Hulk into something hard.
-For absolutely no reason, Spider-Man got a new costume.
-Molecule Man hooked up with a woman that somebody called a “cow” (don’t know why that’s stuck with me).
-Dr. Doom got all of Galactus’s powers so he could take future-David-Hasselhoff’s powers, but lost them or something. Then later, David Hasselhoff tried to hook up with Dazzler. But that’s SECRET WARS 2.
You fill in the rest.
JORDAN: You basically got it. The Beyonder kidnaps the heroes and villains of Marvel and tells them if they slay their enemies, they win their heart’s desire. The villains want to do it, of course; they try to kill the heroes. The X-Men and Magneto go off and have their own little non-partisan mutant clique. Then…the bulk of the series is random skirmishes between characters. Then, Doctor Doom takes Galactus’s power, then he takes the Beyonder’s power (and uses it…to heal his face!). The heroes help the Beyonder get it back, and then he calls the whole thing off.
NATE: Yeah, figured it wasn’t much deeper than I remember.
Why’d Beyonder kidnap ‘em? Nothing was on cable?
JORDAN: Again…basically, yeah. I think, after the fact, there have been a few retcon attempts to explain the whys and wherefores…but we all know you don’t care about that, right? In the story itself…no real reason given. I am surprised you didn’t mention what was (to me) the most memorable part: the villains drop a mountain on the heroes and the Hulk has to hold the entire thing up to keep them alive.
NATE: Oh yeah! That was a good part. Mister Fantastic rags on him to get him madder. Hang on.
(walking to the trades department…)
(flipflipflip)
Hulk’s holding the mountain (which weighs 150 billion tons) and says:
“Shut UP, Richards! I’m TIRED of hearing about how brilliant you are, and now, how brilliant Stark is--! Do you hear me? This dumb brute who’s buying you this time is fed up with this garbage!”
Then Reed says:
“Well, that’s exactly the kind of self-pitying mewling we expect from you, Hulk…or Doctor Banner, or whoever you are! But, you’re correct—you are a brute…so keep using your muscle! That’s all you’re good for!”
Why does Hulk refer to himself in the third person? And if he’s going to refer to himself in the third person, why take the time to call yourself “this dumb brute”? It’s the most polite argument under a mountain Nate has ever heard.
JORDAN: It’s pretty articulate for Hulk-speak.
Of course, probably THE most famous thing was (as you mentioned) Spidey getting his black costume. Basically, his costume was damaged and he sees Thor in a nice, new costume and he’s like, “What’s up with that, Thor?” And Thor is like “Yon room containeth a costume-fixer machine! Verily!” (Not direct quotes). Spidey goes in and apparently uses the wrong machine, because he ends up with a symbiote.
This raises two ideas:
1. We were THIS CLOSE to black, alien costume Thor,
2. For some reason, this place had a symbiote dispenser. That’s sort of like having a tape worm vending machine. Why would this be a good idea?
NATE: Oh, MAN, thank God that first thing didn’t happen! Thor would probably look ridiculous! Can you imagine, Thor wearing something dumb? Like…oh, I dunno…silver longjohns on his arms and legs or something?
JORDAN: … Sounds familiar.
Anyway, yeah… SECRET WARS was a big deal, as a crossover of it’s time, but it was pretty light on plot. It’s also responsible for me thinking Colossus is a jerk, and not worthy of Kitty Pryde. You see, Kitty and Colossus were dating before SECRET WARS, but he was taken by the Beyonder and she was not. On “Battleworld” (the patchwork planet the series took place on) Colossus met and fell in love with an alien. An alien who does not speak English. I think…I think she might have died. Then, of course, when he went home, he tells Kitty that this alien was his true love and breaks up with her.
NATE: This brings up an interesting point I’ve been meaning to ask you. If you could hook up with any alien, who would it be? Any fictional alien.
(full disclosure: Jordan is married. But since we’re talking about aliens, it’s not cheating.)
JORDAN: I am glad you clarified ‘fictional alien.’ I guess it depends on what the definition of “Alien” is. Ideally, I would like to pick Caprica Six from "Battlestar Galactica," but some people might not consider a Cylon alive. If not, then I will go with Jadzia Dax, from "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine." But, in that same spirit of full disclosure, there is no way I would have left Kitty Pryde for either of them. Er…nor would I leave my wife for them.
NATE: I’m going to try to not make fun of you for wanting to make out with a robot.
(rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)
Nope! Can’t do it. JORDAN WANTS TO MAKE OUT WITH A ROBOT!!!!!!!!!!!
JORDAN: Cylons are not just robots, they’re…why am I trying to defend myself against this? Why, who is your alien dream date, E.T.?
NATE: Hey, don’t get mad at me because you wanna kiss a Cuisinart.
My alien hook-up would be any one of the blue chicks that Kirk hooked up with in the original "Star Trek" series. Even though I’ve never seen one of those episodes, I’ve seen pictures of Kirk making out with them, and they’re pretty hot.
(Jeff Parker backs me up on this.)
JORDAN: I think they were usually green. And wait, you’ve never seen "Star Trek"? Weird. (Also, I heard you talking to Parker, and he backed me up on Caprica Six, as well.) …What does this have to do with SECRET WARS?
NATE: Parker’s only seen advertisements and said that the actresses they got to PLAY the Cyclone things were hot. YOU’RE the one that actually wants to marry one.
And I feel that these discussions aren’t just for you to explain comics to me; they’re also an opportunity for all four of the readers to get to know a little more about you…so they’ll be able to make fun of you as much as I do.
JORDAN: This doesn’t sound as prestigious as it did when you invited me on here. All right, well, let me review what (I hope) you’ve learned today.
1. SECRET WARS didn’t have a very deep story.
2. Hulk is a self-pitying mewler.
3. Aliens are from vending machines.
4. Colossus is a jerk.
5. Robot girls are better looking than alien girls.
NATE: Also:
1. The guy from Nip/Tuck can beat David Hasselhoff and a giant storm cloud.
2. You’d cheat on your wife if a coffeemaker winked at you.
Another productive day.
RATING: WFI (Watch Football Instead)
You got the rating right this time :)
Posted by Fetsur on 2008-04-16 04:38:57
You guys are so random it's wonderful.
I'd say Boomer over Caprica Six though, sorry Jordan...
Posted by pkempson on 2008-04-16 17:55:01
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About this blog:
This is a blog for kids, featuring ONLY comics (and maybe movies and tv shows and GASP! books) that are for kids. You can keep your World War Hulks and your Civil Wars and your Punishers...let's have some fun! I'm bringin' over Spidey and Thor and we're havin' a PILLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!
 | About the author:
Nathan Cosby has somehow managed to become an assistant editor at Marvel Comics. He can make helicopter sounds with his tongue and edits Power Pack, Marvel Adventures Fantastic Four, Spider-Man Family and helps with all the other All-Age stuff. He is really good-looking and likes Gummi Bears.
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