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JORDAN EXPLAINS GHOST RIDER TO NATE
2008-07-16 09:39:31
COMICS.
They used to be about a lot of different things (war, romance, crime, ducks). Now the only ones that sell in bulk have whiny guys in tights whining about their whininess.
FOOTBALL.
It’s the best thing in the world. College is football in its purest form, but the NFL will do in a pinch. And it’s almost always better than reading comics.
ONE man (Jordan) tries to get ANOTHER man (Nate) to read a comic instead of watching football.
LET IT BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!
JORDAN EXPLAINS GHOST RIDER TO NATE
NATE: Glad you're not coughin' anymore, Sir Whites-A-Lot. Warms the cockles of my heart to come back from vacation to find that your 956-hour coughing bug has finally run its course.
JORDAN: Oh, my cough! Thanks for reminding me! I had stopped doing it while you were gone. I'll have to get back to that.
NATE: Can't wait. So...here's what I know about Ghost Rider:
1. His name's Ghost Rider.
2. His head's on fire.
3. He has digitally enhanced abs.
Anything else important?
JORDAN: Well...my understanding was that he sold his soul to the devil, which is how he wound up with his powers. He made a deal with the devil (later retconned to be Mephisto) to save his stepfather from dying of lung cancer. In true deal-with-the-devil fashion, there was a double cross, and the step father died in an accident. Then, Mephisto bonds him with the demon Zarathos and makes him do stuff for him. But Blaze is a hero, and he nobly fights the devil any way he can.
Although...now there is some thing about an angel being involved? Like, maybe Zarathos was actually an angel? Or maybe it was the rogue angel Zadkiel that gave him his powers? I'm a little confused on it, to be honest.
NATE: See, this is what I'm talking about. Ghost Rider's like Hello Kitty to me. Everybody knows what the visual is, but nobody knows much past that.
JORDAN: "Hello Kitty" has a story?
NATE: It does NOW -
Ok, we open on a peaceful neighborhood street. Sweet music playing. Kids playing in the yards, old guys in knee-socks watering their lawns...
We move down the street, and start veering ever so slightly to the right (think Steadi-Cam shot), to one of the nicer little houses on the block. Steadi-Cam down the walkway to the door, which opens and two little kids come running out, followed by their mom (“Kids!”), but we've already made our way into the house. Past the stairs, through the kitchen, where we see a cute little cat faaaaast asleep on a cat bed on the linoleum floor. He’s gray with little white paws. Awwwwww.
The cat's eyes begin to flicker, then he yawns, then he looks up at the camera, and his eyes open, and then get even WIDER...
...as we reverse to see an invisible PREDATOR alien come into view, point a HUGE blaster cannon at the cat, and says "GRWXOPJUJ UYCBER$L:J!!!" which is subtitled on the bottom of screen:
"HELLO KITTY."
BAJOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HALF THE KITCHEN (AND THE CAT!) DISINTEGRATES!!!!!!!
…and the movie begins.
Whatcha think?
JORDAN: Well, the rules say 100 words, so I had to stop reading after “on a cat bed on.” At that point, it’s less of a movie, more of an exercise in stock footage.
So… Ghost Rider?
NATE: I think you read it all the way to the end, you're just mad that I killed a cat. Even though cats are the worst thing on this Earth (and yes, I'm counting having to watch The "View" or any movie with Cameron Diaz in it).
Ah, well, Sorry Jordo. Ever since I was a little cat-killing kid, I'd start thinking about Ghost Rider and get bored after about 2 minutes.
RATING: WFI (Watch Football Instead)
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About this blog:
This is a blog for kids, featuring ONLY comics (and maybe movies and tv shows and GASP! books) that are for kids. You can keep your World War Hulks and your Civil Wars and your Punishers...let's have some fun! I'm bringin' over Spidey and Thor and we're havin' a PILLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!
 | About the author:
Nathan Cosby has somehow managed to become an assistant editor at Marvel Comics. He can make helicopter sounds with his tongue and edits Power Pack, Marvel Adventures Fantastic Four, Spider-Man Family and helps with all the other All-Age stuff. He is really good-looking and likes Gummi Bears.
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