By Eric Drumm
(The following is a recording of Deadpool's annual S.H.I.E.L.D evaluation)
Good morning, Mr. Wilson. Thanks for coming by for your annual checkup. As you know, S.H.I.E.L.D. requires all registered superhumans to submit to physical and psychological examinations. Well, despite the horribly scarred body and the cancer kept at bay by your healing factor, you are otherwise in perfect health. Moving on to the psych portion, lets say that your past evaluations have been…colorful, to say the least.
However, Director Stark insists that you are a valuable asset to the Initiative, so lets try something new. We are going to do a little word association. When you see a word or phrase, you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ok? Let's get started …
Huggies...
Deadpool: You never know when you're gonna be on a long stakeout.
Kinish...
Deadpool: You misspelled Knish, you idiot.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones..."
Deadpool: But they will get better because I have a healing factor and then I will pick up said sticks and said bones and soundly pummel you to death.
Plastique...
Deadpool: Pamela Anderson. Oh, wait, you meant the explosives...
Mary Poppins...
Deadpool: Everytime she flew up into the air, I wanted to sneak a peek under that mousy frock of hers...
Adamantium skeleton...
Deadpool: Cheater.
"If you don't have anything nice to say..."
Deadpool: There are plenty of other things you can say instead, most of which would be mean things, which is fine.
Ernest Borgnine …
Deadpool: Stud muffin.
Tony Stark...
Deadpool: Mr. Tony Stark. Sir.
Little yellow boxes...
Deadpool: Windows to my soul.
Sporks...
Deadpool: I have found that sporking is never as comfortable as spooning.
"If at first you don't succeed..."
Deadpool: Use more ordnance.
Zombies...
Deadpool: Finally, a group of Marvel characters uglier than me...
Canada...
Deadpool: Hockey. And hockey players. Faces like Buick grills. My heroes.
Edged weapons...
Deadpool: A sweet alternative to blunted weapons, which are a sweet alternative to edged weapons, which are...
Um, Thank you Mr.Wilson. That was…informative. Please do come by again for you next check up. Now, moving on to the ink blots…
What do you think? Did he pass? Evaluation him yourself in CABLE & DEADPOOL # 41, by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown on sale June 13.
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