By Eric Drumm
Tony Stark, known to the world as the super hero Iron Man, the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and a billionaire playboy, faces choices every day. Which $2,000 suit to wear, which supermodel to call, which monster to pummel—the list goes on and on.
However, the most pressing choice Tony ponders is which of his seemingly infinite Iron Man armors to wear. He'll be putting on his classic red and gold duds in IRON MAN #24, so we put the old workhorse to the test for a tale of the tape with his current Extremis armor.
Marvel Executive Editor Tom Brevoort as IRON MAN scribes Daniel and Charlie Knauf pull on some stripes as special guest referees in this technological tussle.
Bling Factor
"Cheap" and Tony Stark do not belong in the same sentence. The man would eat solid gold toast for breakfast if he could. Never one to hide his fat pockets, Tony always makes it rain, even when he fights evil as Iron Man.
CLASSIC ARMOR
In its day, the old school suit blinded bad guys with its gleaming sheen as with repulsor rays. Like a golden god, Iron Man sparkled as he jet set from the Stark Industries boardroom to the battlefield. With the Cadillac of power suits, ol' Shellhead could have given Hugh Hefner a run for his money in terms of cash drenched excess. Also, we're pretty sure there was a mechanism to keep his bourbon cold. That's baller!
EXTREMIS
A bit more tactical looking, the Extremis armor says stealth bomber rather than Rolls Royce. Mind controlled metal can't be
cheap, and Iron Man has no bones about laying out the green to keep his gear fresh. It may not scream Bill Gates, but think of it as a Hummer with platinum rims – tough, but with a touch of flash.
Brevoort: "I'd have to say that the modern armor, with all of its overlapping plates and articulation, looks more expensive. I expect the guys working on the Iron Man movie might agree…"
Team Knauf: "Depends. The Extremis armor would retail for more in the showroom, but the classic would go for more at auction."
Comfort
A suit made of metal can't be too comfy. All in the name of justice, we guess. Making a quick change from Tony Stark to Iron Man can't be easy with so many heavy parts, so comfort might be sacrificed. However, we're talking about a billionaire here, so count on at least a few luxuries.
CLASSIC ARMOR
Not your usual pair of tights, the classic armor required a bit of…maintenance. With the chest plate acting as Stark's pacemaker keeping him alive, the bulky armor had to be worn under his clothes like an iron undershirt. Those iron panties couldn't have felt too great.
EXTREMIS
Unlike the older model, this armor actually stays on Tony, or rather IN him. The internal Extremis circuitry under Tony's skin surfaces as his armor plates, making his change to Iron Man almost a quick as the time it used to take him to down a cocktail.
Brevoort: "I think they both look to be equally uncomfortable in their own ways. But the current suit is much better equipped to deal with problems such as biological waste, being tied directly into Tony's physiognomy."
Team Knauf: "The Extremis armor is much more comfortable. Heck, 'ergonomics' wasn't even a word when Tony designed the classic rig.
Sex Appeal
Ladies love cool T! One flash of the Stark billion dollar smile and the ladies swoon uncontrollably (ask She-Hulk, she'll tell ya). His debonair suave-ness only multiplies when he straps on the iron, so in his case clothes really do make the man.
CLASSIC ARMOR
The older suit made supermodels, villainesses and even Tony's own secretary weak in the knees. The Golden Avenger's Errol Flynn demeanor shone through the golden rivets and into the hearts of many a young lady. Iron Man didn't need Versace, he had the girls chasing him in his red and gold chick magnet.
EXTREMIS
Being the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't leave a lot of time for skirt chasing, unfortunately. Lately, Iron Man hasn't been able to free up his schedule to holler at some shorties in or out of the Extremis armor. While he may have nixed the man-panties and ear muffs on the helmet, his charm ain't what it used to be.
Brevoort: "If by 'ladies' you mean middle-aged readers, then the classic suit occupies a special place in their hearts. It's the one that became a Mego action figure, and was featured on lunch boxes and stickers back in the day."
Team Knauf: "The dime-pieces go for the Extremis model, but the cougars are hot for the classic."
Most Unnecessary Yet Cool Accessory
You don't buy a car unless it has some cool gadget in it, and Iron Man feels the same way about his armors. You never know what curveball a villain may throw at you, so might as well be prepared no matter how ridiculous the extra accessory might appear.
CLASSIC ARMOR
The repulsor rays and flight boots seemed pretty practical. However, once you thought everything served a purpose, Iron Man would pull some seemingly useless gadget out of his armor to defeat evil. From the pop-out roller skates to the mysterious hip discs, Iron Man always found new ways
to make us say "What was THAT?"
EXTREMIS
Iron Man has quite a few responsibilities these days, so his new armor seems all business. No roller skates here, just military grade power. Although it would be helpful if he had an anti-Quinjet explosion force field …
Brevoort: "Definitely the roller skates."
Team Knauf: "Hard to say, but the most necessary and least cool feature is the Stark Industries SPDU/27 Personal Waste Disposal and Deodorizing Unit."
Facial Hair
Iron Man, to his credit, remains one of the last super heroes to keep it real and be a man with his shaving habits. Through the years, Stark's impeccable facial hair has been the real source of his power. He changes it up now and again, but one constant Iron Man's whiskers are as important as the armor itself.
CLASSIC ARMOR
Back before some considered a moustache a little creepy, Tony Stark reveled in all his mustachioed glory. His cookie duster captured the hearts of the women who loved him and gained the respect of his male peers. Even though he wore a helmet, you could guess that his moustache stayed perfectly trimmed and always worthy of the billionaire womanizing super hero who wore it.
EXTREMIS
Keeping up with the trends, Stark has grown his "just"stache into a full-blown goatee. He may look a little like a beatnik, but as his armor upgrades so does his face. With prefect shaping and maintenance, Tony could pass as a smooth R and B singer.
Brevoort: "These days, goatee. The moustache makes Tony look too much like a porn star."
Team Knauf (a father and son spat suddenly breaks out)
Daniel: "We think he should just go with a soul-patch."
Charlie: "What's this 'we' crap? I like the moustache."
Daniel: "That because you have a man-crush on Tom Selleck."
Charlie: "Who doesn't? He's
Magnum, baby!"
Daniel: "But he never had a big bushy Mag-stache. It was one of those creepy pencil-thin Charmin-squeezing Mr. Mooney-staches."
Charles: "...you're such a hater."
There you have it. Who wins this armored duds dust up? Let us know in the message boards!
If you want a side of nostalgia with your Iron Man this month, check out IRON MAN #24 by Daniel and Charlie Knauf with art by Butch Guice on sale December 26.
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